Shifty Vincent
by batteredtruth
Summary: This is what happens when Yuffie gets bored....and what happens when others deal the consequences.......oneshot, and although I don't go into detail later on, it's rated mature for Barret's profanities and Yuffie's surprise.


welcome to my first fic. i have an eight page manga i drew that goes along with about the first half of the story. to see it, visit my profile and click on the link. it's just a draft, though. i like comments, and i like constructive critisism even more, so there you go. final fantasy is property of square...dammit.

Vincent sat at the table across from Barret, reading the paper. Barret sat impatiently, tapping his weapon on the table out of mere boredom---which was pointed incidentally at Vincent.

Vincent eyed him over his newspaper. "Would you mind pointing that elsewhere?"

Barret snapped, "Goddammit, where's Cloud and Tifa! They were supposed to be back by now! Shit, the chocobo farm isn't that far from here!"

Vincent ignored his outrage. "They've been back for a while now." He turned the page.

"Yeah? Why the fuck didn't you tell me! We gotta lot to do!" Barret glared at him.

"They're…..busy." Vincent lifted the newspaper to shield his face from view.

"Busy? We gotta kick Sephiroth's ass and they're 'busy'! Yeah! Busy doing what!" He stood up.

"………."

"Tell me, dammit!"

Vincent mumbled

"Fine, I'll break Cloud's fucking door down--"

"I wouldn't do that."

"Why the hell not!"

"Besides angering the maintenance crew, I told you they're 'busy'. They said they wanted their privacy,…..and to check in a few hours…….." Silence engulfed the room. Barret sat down, wide-eyed, and looked at Vincent. "What?"

"They're 'busy'?….."

Vincent looked over the newspaper. "That's right."

"And…..this doesn't bother you?"

"What they do is their business. We can afford taking a break now and then. They're….just making the most of it."

"Dammit, I'm glad for Cloud but they can fool around all they want after we defeat the silver-haired momma's boy. I'm goin' to beat Spike's hide for this…." Barret stormed to Cloud's room on the Highwind. He stopped just in front of the door.

"Oh, so that's how it's done?"

"Yeah, It helps to clear the throat first."

"I thought so, but I wasn't sure. Where'd you learn all this? It's fascinating."

"This is more of the obscure stuff you learn in SOLDIER. The higher ups didn't encourage it, though."

"So…..Sephiroth knows how?"

"He's considered an expert."

"Wow…I'll have to ask him to do it for me."

"What? I'm not good enough?"

"You're not as exciting. I like it rough. Besides, you did say he is an expert."

"True. Hand me the lotion, will you?"

"Sure."

"So--"

Barret had enough. He stormed through the door with an explicit speech ready. Cloud, Tifa, and Nanaki looked up with innocent surprise. Cloud was kneeled over Nanaki, who was coughing. Tifa was sitting beside them watching.

"What the hell's goin' on here!"

"Well--" Tifa started, "Nanaki has feline pneumonia and Cloud was massaging his shoulders to help loosen the crud in his lungs."

"Barret, is there a problem?" Cloud asked, sounding a little concerned.

Nanaki stood up, coughing a little more, then broke into a laugh. "I can't talk well--" his voice sounded clogged, "but I think you were fooled, Barret. I've been the center of a lot of these pranks. Especially back at Cosmo Canyon. Someone's playing with their 'pussy', etcetera. etcetera."

Barret just walked out, stupefied. He walked back to the table where Vincent was sitting, the newspaper suddenly lifting to conceal his face. Vincent looked up sheepishly. "It wasn't my idea."

Barret started to erupt when Yuffie walked in, giggling to herself, "Wow, I didn't know he was that easy." She stopped in her tracks when she saw Barret.

(manga stops here)

Barret eyed Vincent. "Don't tell me she put you up to it?"

"…………..Yuffie, can I have my materia back now? I did as you asked."

Yuffie made a dead run for her room as Barret fired shots after her. "Hey, you little bitch, come back here!"

Back at the table, Vincent sighed, " I guess not."

Barret, an evil glare dominating his face, slowly turned to look at Vincent, an evil smile joining his glare. "Hey, Vince……"

Vincent looked up indifferently at Barret, then concealed his face yet again in The Midgar Times. "……….shit."

Yuffie poked her head out from behind her bedroom door and looked both ways down the hall for the large scary man with a gun for an arm. She let out a sigh of relief and snuck out, closing her bedroom door silently behind her. She snuck down to where Vincent was still sitting and reading the paper. "Are you actually reading that?"

Vincent looked up over the newspaper. "When Barret's not here, yes."

Yuffie whispered, "Hey, I can't give you your materia back until you do something for me." She looked shiftily around them and spoke even quieter, "I need you to get Barret again."

Vincent dropped his head to the table. "…….shit."

"This'll be the last time, then I'll give you back your materia, I promise."

Vincent sat back up, his face indifferent. "I hope you know that I despise you."

"That's okay, I figured as much. This is what I want you to do….." Yuffie whispered in Vincent's ear and her eyes darted around to check for eavesdroppers. "Got it?"

"sigh…..Yes." He glared at her.

"I promise! You'll get them back."

"May I ask you something?"

"What?"

"What's the point of all this?"

"I'm bored."

"Bored?"

"Yeah, I mean, we haven't gotten any action in a long time."

"It's only been two days."

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, that's a long time."

"Are you on Ritalin?"

"No."

"You should be."

"That's beside the point."

"Is it? Not really."

"Yeah? How do you figure?"

"Cloud will boot you from the party after Barret beats the shit out of you."

"How do you know that?"

"It's not knowledge, but common sense. It's only a matter of time. Surely you wouldn't want to stay on the ship when we finally do get some action. Cloud would replace you with Cait Sith. My, what an insult."

"I'm a ninja, I'm a master of stealth. I won't get caught."

"Amateur."

"Yeah? How so?"

"I know you've been going through Cloud's things. Tifa wouldn't like that."

"How do you know about that!" Yuffie's face reddened with embarrassment.

"I am the master of stealth."

"I hate you."

"That's okay, I figured as much. You wouldn't want Cloud to find out, would you?"

"Damn you." Yuffie left for a bit then returned with an armful of materia.

Vincent smiled. "I suggest you don't try anything on me anymore."

"That's blackmail."

"Call it what you will. You pulled it on me."

"Hmph." Yuffie left for her room. Barret snuck out from the chocobo stall nearby. "Got yo' materia back? By the way, how'd you know abut her crush on Cloud?"

"Confidential."

"What else do ya' know?"

"Confidential."

"Wait--you could've done that before tricking me with your innuendo! Why didn't you?"

"Because I knew it would be humorous."

"You're fucking tricky."

"What's your plan? I promised I would help you."

"Wait--what'd she tell ya to do?"

"Confidential."

"Dammit, that can't answer everything!"

"Heh, You'd be surprised. You don't even want to know if you want to preserve your sanity."

"When she told ya', you didn't seem so upset."

"I used to be a Turk. And I'm over fifty years old and used to sleep in a coffin. It takes a lot to surprise me."

"No shit. Well, this is what I want you to do……"

The next morning, Yuffie walked back to her room from taking a shower. She walked in normally and shut the door. Suddenly, the door sprang open as Yuffie sped out and down the hall screaming. She stalked to the table that Vincent was yet again sitting at with his newspaper. Yuffie ripped the newspaper from Vincent, who stared at her calmly.

"Is there a problem?"

Yuffie roared. "You put those porno posters up in my room, didn't you!"

"Why do you say that?" His calm demeanor was getting on her nerves.

"Because you're……you're sneaky like that!"

Vincent raised an eyebrow at her.

"Okay, you're the 'stealth master'. Happy now!"

Vincent nodded. "Maybe you should consider locking your door." He paused. "It wasn't my idea. Can I have my newspaper back?"

"No! Tell me who hired you!"

Vincent pulled out another newspaper from his cape, Yuffie standing astonished in front of him. Her anger made her hiss through teeth. "You're absolutely unbelievable."

"Thank you."

Yuffie stomped. "C'mon, monster boy! Who told you to put porno's in my room?"

Vincent raised a brow. "Monster…..boy? I could be your grandfather."

"Quit changing the subject!"

Barret walked by, whistling happily. Yuffie glared at Vincent, who returned it with a cool stare. Barret walked up to the table with a carton of orange juice and a glass. Yuffie then glared at Barret as he smiled back. "Like your 'décor', short stuff?"

"I hate you."

"Revenge sucks, doesn't it?"

Yuffie let out a growl and turned back to Vincent. She looked at Barret in the corner of her eye. "Barret, please leave."

"What the fuck for!"

"Fine. C'mon, Vincent." She grabbed Vincent by the nape of his cape and pulled him to her room and shut the door. Barret blinked astonishingly and snuck to the closed door.

"Yuffie."

"What?"

"Until you take these down, don't let Cid in here."

"…….you're cruel."

"Yeah."

"Where's 'my' posters!"

" 'Your posters'?"

"You know! Cloud's…."

"Your infatuation is unhealthy."

"So….."

"You wouldn't want Tifa and Cloud coming in here."

"Yeah, but--"

"They're under your bed, but I suggest to find something else to obsess over. Tifa may come to your room someday."

"Well, what about you? No one goes in your room!"

"That's because they don't want to."

"Fine. I'll put back up my chocobo ninjas…."

Cid walked by Barret, who had his ear against the door. Cid did a double take. "Barret, what the fuck are you doing?"

Barret didn't think before he spoke. "Vincent and Yuffie's in there."

"What the hell, Vinnie's in there? I didn't know they were involved!"

Barret was about to clarify the misunderstanding when the door was thrust open. Vincent assessed the situation, seeing that Barret and Cid eavesdropped. Cid looked past Vincent into Yuffie's porno-covered room. "Holy shit, may I come in? I didn't think that Yuffie was bisexual….."

Vincent sighed, "Barret, what did you tell him?"

"I told 'im you an' Yuffie were in there…..I didn't have time to explain."

Cid patted Vincent on the shoulder. "This is nice that you've accepted your past with Lucrecia, but isn't this robbing the cradle?"

"I'm going to clear this up right now--" Vincent looked mighty perturbed in the face, "Yuffie and I are NOT involved, I haven't accepted my past and the porno in her room was a prank Barret and I pulled on Yuffie to get back at her on a previous prank she pulled on Barret."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry 'bout that. Well, I have to make sure the shithead pilot doesn't crash us." Cid walked off toward the control room, and away from the awkward situation.


End file.
